Author’s Note: This post is from 2018, just three months after I started writing my Morning Pages and after I read this entry, I thought I don’t want them to think this is who I am but that’s the whole point of sharing these, because that’s who I was. It’s so nice to feel the growth I’ve experienced because of The Morning Pages. Here goes.
I’ve been slipping back into old patterns with women and feeling insecure and judging how I felt about myself based on external things. For example: If a woman wanted just a friendship with me, that clearly meant I wasn’t attractive to her. It meant that I wasn’t good enough, handsome enough, sexy enough, I just wasn’t enough. It hurt that someone I wanted to be physical with didn’t want to be physical with me. I guess I wanted everyone to want me if I wanted them. That pain, that unrealistic expectation that I wanted to be liked and desired by everyone is not only grotesquely narcissistic, it creates a lot of pain, because I am reminded on a daily basis that there’s something wrong with me.
This skewed self-perception has caused my dark side, my ego to activate as it screams, “See, you are not special. You’re ordinary.” So, what I’ve done recently is seek out female approval like I used to. I would flirt with anyone, it they reacted to my charm I would feel better, momentarily. Like a blast of cocaine. If we spoke for a while and I’d do my funny, charming, disarming thing my heart would race to the point of being uncomfortable, anxious. Then after the women would leave or I had to, I would feel out of control and foolish. Okay worse that foolish… ashamed. This unhealthy spiral lasted a couple of weeks until I met with Adriana again. Adriana was my life coach, my spiritual therapist.
She slowly, meticulously unraveled how my basic lack of self-love allowed the ego to take over and disrupt my peace, my sense of self, my sense of being whole on my own.
I clearly saw that when I am in that place of not feeling worthy, I behave in a way that wasn’t myself, wasn’t true to who I am as a man. That reflection of my dark side is chaotic and quite frankly NOT ATTRACTIVE to a woman of substance. It’s uncomfortable for me as I feel an out of body force steering the ship. Like the multiple evenings I would let addiction rule. The hundreds of early mornings I needed sleep, yet I would be drawn to cocaine knowing full well it’s the worst possible decision, but I was rendered powerless to my addictive, self-destructive, out of body forces. That force, my dark-side as I call it should not steer the ship. It isn’t a reflection of me, my best self. It’s the representation of old patterns, old thinking. Thinking derived from fear, NOT compassion, self-love or self-respect.
It’s time to take my better self back. Keep my spirit intact. I need to remind myself on a daily basis how truly amazing I am. I am special. I am kind. I am generous. I am charming. I am funny. I am caring. I am creative. I am smart. I contribute to the world. I. LOVE. ME.
Thanks to your work with Adriana you’ve been introduced to pride, to behaving in a way that honors you which always results in a more content life experience. You have tasted the nectar of self-love Gil, yet you periodically let those old patterns creep in and take over. The odd thing is I know when the old pattern is in the driver seat. Yet I still allow it.. it’s like there’s something in me that keeps trying to bring me back to center. BUT IT’S NOT THE CENTER. It’s the center of a story I created about myself as a little boy. The true center, like true north is the core human I’m meant to be. A human with two desires… to love and be loved. Yes, it can be that simple. That’s the goal of my newfound life journey – KEEP WORKING MY WAY BACK TO ME. Writing this just put a smile on my face.
LOVE his Morning Pages
This resonates with me. I truly understand. Reading these has honestly started my inward conversation that proclaims “I AM ENOUGH” Live and acceptance begins with me.