Well, well, well… here I am, wildly depressed. Lonely. Apathetic. I just texted my ex who I hadn’t seen in a couple years – and like the well balanced, emotionally stable man I am, I professed how badly I’d like to see her, hang with her, have romantic dinners with her. She feels the same way and texted - If you’re into me this much as I am to you, we should make babies and build a home together 😉 Everything else is just child’s-play.
Her draw to me is as powerful as mine to her, BUT babies? Starting over at 69. Yeah, I don’t think so. Then I thought about the reasons we split in the first place. Why would I assume they would have magically changed. Maybe because even with our problems I’ve never loved like that. Never felt that way, with anyone. But the baby thing is new, not that I’m surprised by it, she would joke periodically about it, but the message was clear. She’s very funny, big funny and sometimes she’d crack a huge joke and we’d laugh hysterically. I’d say something like, that’s a monster joke, like huge and she’d reply, funny enough to put a ring on it?
My love for her, while being depressed can make a man, well this man, do stupid things. Knowing I was even considering choosing something, anything, even fatherhood to extinguish the torment of loneliness is a dangerous place, for a man that spent most of his life numbing pain. I know me, so…
I texted my incredible, brilliant friend Naya who I am crazy about and expressed how I was feeling. She immediately texted back in all CAPS: GET A VASECTOMY, NOW! I burst out laughing. Naya is fuckin funny especially as she understands the delicate, shall we say convoluted internal wiring that makes me, me. Now, if that wasn’t a clear enough message, two minutes later ADRIANA, my coach who I hadn’t spoken to in months texted – Gil, how are you? I’ve been thinking about you. She could FEEL I was out of alignment.
Well, there’s my support system in a nutshell. TWO INCREDIBLE WOMEN having my back. I am a lucky mofo.
Let’s turn this depression around – let’s look inward and recognize the love I have for myself. Let me use that loving base to propel me out of this shadow and into the light I know is the truth of me as a man. Did I write out of the shadow and into the light? My apologies. Let’s go Gil – you got this.
I love you, Gil Junger. I love you, Gil Junger. I love and so appreciate you, Adriana. I love and so appreciate you, Naya. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you so very much!!!
You have both reminded me of who I am and what I am capable of. Let’s be that guy, shall we? Babies?
It is a brave thing to write one's deepest honest truth, making it available to the masses. Ok, maybe the masses aren't reading Substack yet. These years when life is swirling around us, not knowing if we're going backwards or forwards, it is easy to get lost in our unconscious fears and whatever might motivate us out of them. Of course, we stay attached to the laughs of yesteryears, the touches that grounded us, the fun we need and want. However, we don't have to pay the old price for it anymore. Especially, you!