TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses suicide.
Being Mental Health Awareness Month, I’ve decided to share a very private, life-altering loss that will forever influence my mental health and that of my family. The Morning Pages is one of my most powerful tools to help understand the loss and heal from this tragic loss.
11:32pm – Nina, my ex-wife, and mother of my two children is dead.
She attempted suicide about three weeks ago, but because of a series of coincidences… rather messages from above guiding Ben, Will and I to her whereabouts, we temporarily interrupted her plan to silence the anguish. She could no longer bear the enormous pain her heart, her soul had been suffering since childhood. Her rage and sense of hopelessness was fueled by MENTAL ILLNESS.
Now, three weeks later – she’s gone, leaving behind her two beautiful sons and a wake of torment.
My heart aches for my boys. It is so devastatingly sad. My heart breaks for Nina and the darkness and challenges she had to endure during her lifetime. In addition to her trauma as a child, young adult and into adulthood, she suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, and the accompanying maladies of that complex disease which all played a part in her demise. Unable to clearly see the root of her pain and her part in that pain she never gave herself the chance to heal, as she believed it was the people around her that were at fault. That act of blaming others is / was a direct result of the mental illness that eventually extinguished her life.
It's all so desperately sad. So sad that anyone, anyone gets to the point where they give up. She lost all hope. I wish for Nina that she’s in a better place. A calm, loving place where she feels loved, seen, appreciated, supported, and nurtured by the universe. She deserves that. WE ALL DO.
I am a firm believer that in all crises, in all painful experiences there is a gift. Although impossible to see in this moment, what or how that gift will manifest, but I do trust it will be revealed.
Nina never had the gift of self-reflection, or practices like These Morning Pages. Self-examination, journaling, morning pages, the ability to objectively look within and recognize what’s causing your discomfort, and then chart a path to help yourself, love yourself is a gift. We all have that gift. Use it!!
Mental illness took the life of my boy’s mom and pieces of them with it. My heart breaks for that beautiful, tortured woman who was once my wife. My hearts breaks for anyone whose lives have become totally unmanageable, or at least appears so to them. I have been there two times in my own life, but unlike my x wife, I was touched by divine intervention and was allowed to come back and try again, and again. Another gift she was denied.
We have one shot at this thing called life. One shot. I believe we have a choice, the choice to live in joy. It takes work, a lot of work but the choice is there. Her mental illness took that choice away from her. A dear friend of mine wrote me this simple text:
Ohh wow…that’s so sad. I’m so sorry you and the boys must go through all this. May she rest in peace and hopefully from the other side of the veil be able to send greater love and blessings to you all for healing as life goes on.
The sentiment is beautiful and yes maybe her energy loving her boys unrestricted by the binds of mortality can shine through and nurture and protect them as they move forward towards healing.
Rest in peace Nina Kraft and thank you… Thank you for our two amazing sons and for sharing your all too short, troubled life with the three of us.
Rest Nina. It’s finally time to rest.
Love thru the veil…
I love you, Gil Junger. I love and cherish you, Ben & Will. Together we will heal, together you will grow into the loving, kind, amazing young men you are and are meant to be. I believe with all my heart there will be a gift within this horrible loss. I love you so much, my boys.
Goodbye Nina – thank you.