Well, it’s been too many days of silent suffering and watching myself become riddled with self-doubt, shame and fear because I think I’ve made someone I care about angry with me. This is the story I’ve created on my own without ever checking with the person I imagined, key word imagined was angry with me. Wow –
As usual, Adriana, my coach pointed out how far I’d drifted from my center, towards an old belief and old story I USED to believe about myself. I thought I was a BAD person, a BAD friend and if I did something that caused another person, usually a woman, to be angry with me it became painful, triggering feelings of shame and overwhelming self-doubt. I felt like I was back in the same position I was 15 years ago with my X and I’m sure many years before that with other women in a position of--
*I was going to say in a position of authority which is interesting as I AM THE ONE that put them in that position. I am the one that supplanted my own value in favor of theirs to avoid making them angry which could be devastating for me. Don’t make Mommy mad as that will confirm, once again that I am a bad person a fuck up. OY.
The great news is, as it always is, I have learned a lot from this past digression. What did I do that was so horrible that my dear friend, my writing partner was probably going to end our relationship, our friendship? – in an anxiety driven moment thinking that what we wrote a few days before day was shit; I reached out to a gifted writer friend asking him to read what we’d written to get his objective opinion. I did this BEFORE mentioning my concerns to my writing partner.
Reading this now, my infraction, the disrespect I showed my writing partner is so minor in relation to the discomfort I allowed it to cause me. Well, that’s yet another example of the creative mind going unchecked, un-centered, making decisions from fear instead of love and I let those I suck, I have no talent messages spiral out of control.
It always goes back to that doesn’t it? Allowing fear-based thinking to get into the driver’s seat is always counterproductive and never ends well – which leads me to another aspect of what I have learned these past few days… LISTEN TO YOUR BODY, all the answers are there. If you are anxious when making a decision about yourself, or another, it’s probably the wrong one. Pure and simple. Your body will let you know, you just have to listen. Carefully.
Yet another gift of growing, learning, becoming closer to the man I am, rather than the man I thought I was, based on some story I created years ago.
I do love that I am writing about what I have recently learned. That I was willing, once again, to walk directly into the fire of discomfort, ask myself WHAT IS THE TRUTH, recognize what is real, and what is a byproduct of fear. As Adriana asked, “Gil what is the truth? Are you a bad guy, a bad friend? Did you maliciously go behind her back to seek advice elsewhere? Will your writing partner abandon you because you reached out to a trusted colleague for perspective? And if she does, does it mean you are a horrible person?”
When I calmly ask myself what is the truth – the answer is clear. When I operate from my center in full acceptance of the man I am, I AM A GREAT GUY and would be proud to be my friend and my writing partner.
The lesson here is simple. Listen to your body. If you’re anxious, you’re thinking from fear. Stop. Breath. Center yourself then ask – WHAT IS THE TRUTH?
Just another reason I love you, Gil Junger. I love you, Gil Junger. I love you, Will Junger. I love you, Ben Junger.